I-5 War / Kings vs Ducks

While some of the hockey world is debating why LA is hosting an outdoor hockey game, I’m breaking down a Kings –Ducks matchup not for the Outdoor series but if they would meet in a playoff series, making it the I-5 War. The winner of the I-5 War the Carpool Cup has a great chance to win the Stanley Cup. The Ducks have some truly outstanding players, and arguably the NHL’s greatest Dynamic Duo     (Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry) but the Kings are bigger, have more depth and are only two years removed from winning the Cup. The Kings even lost the NHL’s best goaltender and started playing better. The Kings haven’t given up a first period goal in six weeks. Even more impressive than that is the Ducks have got at least a point in every home game. The Ducks can easily win the Outdoor game, or any one game against the Kings, they’re one of the top six teams in the NHL this but column is about who would win a seven game playoff series and I pick the Kings.

 The Kings and the Ducks each have a ton of talent up front and roll four legitimate NHL lines. The Kings are bigger but the Ducks are not small by any means and the Ducks are a little faster. The Ducks have more  high end scoring with the Dynamic Duo but the Kings have a more scoring throughout their top twelve forwards. The tight checking playoffs could turn the Ducks into a one line. The Kings lines are set up so each line has a passer, a scorer and a corner guy .The example being the potent line of Anze Kopitar, Jeff Carter and Dwight King. This gives Coach Sutter flexibility .Both teams are relying on young guys but most of the Kings young guys already have their names on the Cup. Both teams also have a ton of leadership. Kings Captain Dustin Brown is a throwback could play in any era.   The Ducks have Captain Getzlaf and Hall of Famer Teemu Salanne to lead the way. The Kings forwards play a grittier dump and chase game while the Ducks are more a puck possession team. It’s harder to play a puck possession game in the playoffs, which means the Kings are more equipped for the playoffs because they play a playoff style of hockey all season long. One King’s player who is set to become an even bigger star is Anze Kopitar. He is a the West Coast Evgeni Malkin and would be a superstar if he played on the I-95 and not the  I-5.

On defense the Ducks are led by veteran Francois Beachemin who is have a resurgence in his second stint in Anaheim. Beachemin and his D partner  Cam Fowler are playing outstanding hockey The remaining Ducks blue liners are solid if non descript . The Kings D men are a more versatile bunch of physical puck movers who always . The Kings miss two time Stanley Cup winner  Rob Scuderi but Drew Doughty is a Norris trophy waiting to happen

The Ducks have to great goaltenders and you’d think that would be enough to beat the Kings in the goaltending category but the Kings appear to have three great net minders. Conn Smythe /Stanley Cup Winner Jonathan Quick maybe the best goalie in the NHL but he’s injured and may take awhile to get back in flow, no problem Ben Scrivens has filled in nicely and his back up Martin Jones  pitches shutouts like Cy Young Dodger pitcher Clayton Kershaw. The Ducks man between the pipes Jonas Hiller is playoff tested but maybe traded because his backup Viktor Fasth is playing like a number one.

The Ducks do win the special teams battle. The Duck’s are lethal on the power play and the Kings are underachieving with the man advantage. It’s actually puzzling how bad the Kings are. The Kings have a slightly better penalty kill because of better defenseman and they’re a Sutter coached team.

Coaching is where the biggest discrepancy is between the teams. The Kings are coach by Darryl Sutter. He’s a Sutter brother and he won a Cup. The Ducks are coach by Bruce Boudreu and I’m writing about the playoffs.

While the Ducks are having an outstanding regular season, Coach Boudreu usually does, and could have home ice advantage in a playoff series against the Kings , which would be huge because the Ducks are awesome at home, I believe the Kings would wear down the Ducks in a seven game series with their size and depth. The Ducks are a faster team but remember the Stanley Cup playoffs are not a sprint but a war of attrition that’s why I think the Kings would win the I -5 War.

Happy Holidays !!!!!!!!!

NHL at the Quater Pole

We are ¼ threw the NHL season so I compiled a list of 6 things I have loved about this season so far

Sid and Geno- Finally, knock on wood, Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin are healthy at the same time. It’s been awhile. At this writing they’re one and two in the league in scoring and putting on a clinic most nights. It is so much fun to watch. I bet for non Penguin fans too, except those in Philly. The spring maybe another story but for now let’s all enjoy greatness

The Blackhawks- The have not succumbed to the Stanley Cup hangover and look like a team on a mission to go back to back. Sure they may take a night of, who doesn’t but they haven’t taken the fall off like most Cup winner do.

Patrick Roy- He has invigorated the Avalanche. He has got their young stars (Duchene, Stastny, Landeskog, MacKinnon) to play at a high level and gotten the best out of his goaltenders.  Edmonton should have hired him.

Jagr and Selanne –Watching these Hall of Famers makes me feel young, because I was young when they entered the league. Jagr is passing immortals ( Mario, Stevie Y, Mess) and leading the Devils in scoring. Teemu is still playing with elegance and fire he had 2 decades ago.

Smaller nets- The smaller nets have made for more goals by giving gifted playmakers more space in Gretzky’s office.

Totorella in Vancouver- Having Torts in Vancouver means we don’t hear his asinine thoughts on a daily basis and it lets the NY Rangers be the fun, exciting team their roster should be.

And now things I have hated

Stamkos Injury- Steve Stamkos injury was horrific to see happen to anyone but when it happens to a superstar, in his prime it’s sad. Tampa was a playoff team when it happened now they are struggling

The Islanders- The Isles are at the bottom of a mediocre to put it nicely conference. I had hope for the Isles this year, They have a young superstar ( Tavares) a good coach and they play with speed and grit but the Vanek trade was stupid , their defense has been bad and their goaltending worse.

Attendance in Florida- They should just move already. Bettman has to suck it up. Those empty seats are an eyesore. If people in south Florida want to see live hockey they should do it when they’re visiting their relatives up north.

No touch icing- There’s too many icing calls. No touch has made the game safer so I’ll accept that aspect but go back to the “the pass almost connected”” wave off the icing .Icings slow the game down.

Headshots- I hate them all. Suspensions should start at 10 games

OH Canada

I just spent the weekend in hockey mad Canada and loved every second of it. As a hockey mad person myself I was in heaven. Everyone says America is mad about football and we are but we’re nowhere near as mad about football as they are about hockey. Women in Canada know more about hockey then most men in America know about football. American men know who the Dallas Cowboy quarterback is women in Canada know who the Dallas Stars 3^rd line center is. \

I was in Toronto last weekend which happened to be at the same time as Hall of Fame weekend. The Hockey Hall of Fame is located in an old bank building in downtown Toronto. Toronto is the perfect location for a Hall of Fame because when you’re done touring the Hall of Fame you’re in Toronto, a fabulous  city and not say Canton , OH. The Hall has 3 major components. One is filled with larger than life displays of about 20 Hall of Famers. Gretzky ,Lemieux , Howe ,Orr are permanently on display but a handful of other rotate, also are huge displays of hockey around the world and a replica of the Canadien’s locker room from the old Montreal Forum. Another major component is the interactive fun kid zone. I jumped right in and hand a blast. Shooting on a virtual goalie and trying to stop Messier on a breakaway between the pipes. The last component is what’s called, the Great Hall .where everyone who is a Hall of Famer has a beautifully drawn picture, their version of a bust and a summary of his career. It’s also where they keep all the trophies, Stanley Cup, Conn Smythe, Art Ross etc.  If the trophies aren’t magnificent enough the stained glass roof is as awesome as any church in Europe’s

I also got to go to the Hall of Fame game at the Air Canada Center. I saw three of my all time favorite players, this year’s HOF inductees ( Chelios,Shanahan ,Neidermayer) get acknowledged, Jaromir Jagr play live for the last time probably, and a Leafs win. Well all of three of those were very exciting nothing matched the my first live in person Oh Canada, especially with six 20oz Molsens in me.If you love hockey like I do go to the Hall of Fame and catch a live game anywhere in Canada you’ll love it.

Back to hockey next week: My look at the season at the quarter poll

Sharks - Is this Their Year?

Sharks - Is this Their Year?

- Joe Bartnick 10/29/13

Is this year going to be the Sharks year? It very well could be. After years of playoff disappointments and underachieving the Sharks seemed poised to make a deep run in the playoffs this year. I know it’s not even Halloween yet,but this year’s Sharks team is different. It started last year in the playoffs when they grew a pair and actually played above expectations. Before we take a closer look at the sharks let’s look at their competition in the West. The defending champion Chicago Blackhawks maybe even better this year but repeating is almost impossible to do in today’s NHL. The LA Kings seemed to be in a bit of a funk. Sure the Kings know October doesn’t really matter but Jonathan has been off and a funk can turn into a malaise if it’s not stopped

The Detroit Red Wings moved to the East. The Anaheim Ducks are also off to a hot start but Bruce Boudreau is always Scotty Bowman in October and Bob Berry in May. The St. Louis Blues are a trendy pick but they never score goals when they have to. Remember Ken Hitchcock’s only Cup was given to him when he was the Star’s coach and the refs wanted to go to bed and not another overtime.

Back to the Sharks, they have everything to need to win the Cup. They have scoring depth, solid defense, a great goaltender and they’ve gained some intangibles.

The Sharks signed Logan Couture to a long term contract and made him the cornerstone of the organization moving forward but holdover leaders Joe Thorton and Patrick Marleau aren’t going anywhere and are actually have a renaissance. Martin Havlat , Joe Pavelski and newly minted winger Brett Burns give the Sharks more than a couple guys who can put the biscuit in the basket. Not to mention rookie sensation Tomas Hertl. The Sharks traded for a real tough guy Mike Brown to hopefully replace fake tough guy, cheap shot artist, worthless human Raffi Torres.

The Sharks defense has the two things you want in a defense. It’s tough and it can move the puck. Dan Boyle and Brad Stuart make a great shutdown pair and Marc Edourd Vlasic and Justin Braun are the most underrated defensive pair in the NHL. When Scott Hannan is you’re seventh defensemen, you have a great defensive core.

Shark’s goaltender Antti Niemi won a Stanley Cup in Chicago. He knows what it takes to win four best of sevens.

The Sharks also brought in former Penguin Tyler Kennedy , a winger who has a knack for scoring clutch playoff goals.

I know it’s not November but the Sharks are looking good for next Spring.

For all the of bitter Flyer fans who wanted me to dissect the Rangers disastrous start, I want to let them sleep in their own bed before a game before I say their season is over.

Flyers Stuck In The 70's

Flyers Stuck In The 70's

- Joe Bartnick 10/15/13

I’ll put this right out there. I hate the Flyers. I enjoy a Flyers loss almost as much as a much as a Penguins win. The beauty is they both happen so frequently. The question is why. The answer is the Penguins have a sound management and the Flyers do not. The Flyers are stuck in 1975. The last time they won the Cup. The Chairman of the Flyers Ed Snyder who’s only joy in life is jacking up your cable listens to former Flyer great Bobby Clarke for all his hockey views. Bobby Clarke is the Al Davis of the NFL. Al believed what worked to win in the 70’s would work to win forever. Clarke thinks the Flyers should play like they did in 1975 when he was the star surrounded by a few guys with talent and the rest with prison records. The Broad Street Bully punched their way to the Stanly Cup but that was almost 40 years ago. The NHL and the world changed.

Five years ago the Flyers hired Peter Laviolette to coach their team and I was scared. Lavy was not your standard issue Clarke crony. He knew how to coach talent and had won a Stanley Cup in Carolina of all places. I am now relieved that Lavy was fired 3 games into this season and replaced by former Flyer goon Craig Berube. Berube’s biggest claim to fame is taking bad penalties that have ended talented Flyer team’s playoff runs.

This is how stupid Clark and Flyers GM Paul Holgren are. The Flyers aren’t losing because they don’t play with passion are don’t take enough stupid penalties ( they lead the league in penalty minutes) . They lose because they insist on playing big , slow defensemen that can’t keep up in today’s NHL. They lose because they haven’t had a competent goaltender in two generations and the lose because they traded away a shitload of high end talent (Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, James Van Riemsdyck ) and put their team in the hands of a talented yet immature Captain Claude Giroux.

Flyers fan won’t care. They’re stuck in 1975 too. I’m sure Zac Rinaldo will board and injure some other teams star and all will be right in their world. I hope you Flyers fans are old enough to remember 1975.

The Curious Case of the Penguin Fans and Jaromir Jagr

The Curious Case of the Penguin Fans and Jaromir Jagr

- Joe Bartnick 10/8/13

Pittsburgh Penguin fans need to stop booing Jaromir Jagr and embrace him.

Jagr is the 2nd greatest Penguin of all time and one of the best players to ever lace up a pair of skates. In Jagr’s prime , when he was a Penguin, he dominated the league and won the MVP and numerous scoring titles. Crosby and Malkin need to win another Cup before they can even be considered for runner up to Mario Lemieux as second all time greatest Penguin.

Jagr scored an insane amount of goals in the clutch and grab era. Jagr’s legendary work ethic made him impossible to get off the puck.  When he planted his Kardashian size ass into you, you couldn’t knock him down. Jagr was a witch with the puck, possessing skills that made you go jump out of your seat, his Billy Ray Cyrus mullet flying in the breeze as he wrists one by a helpless goalie. Jagr captained teams always made the playoffs, Pens fans now think the playoffs are a right, they are a privilege.

I’d like to think the fans who boo Jagr are the bandwagon fans who found out about hockey after Pittsburgh won the Sid lottery because as a die hard fan who remembers his first game and his brilliance during the nineties, booing him not only shows your ignorance of hockey but also a lack of respect for what he did the Penguin franchise and the city of Pittsburgh.

Even if you throw out Jagr’s excellence for over a decade that puts him behind only Lemieux in every meaningful Penguin offensive statistical category and garnered him the title best player in the world in the 90’s he still authored two of the greatest moments in franchise history.

Game 1 1992 Stanley Cup final , Pens down 4-1 Jagr danced through, around and over a Chicago Blackhawks team that was on a 11 game winning streak and backhanded the puck over Ed Balfour’s shoulder  putting the Pens on the comeback trail and on the road to their second consecutive Stanley Cup.  Mario called it the greatest goal HE had ever seen.

Easter Conference Quarter Finals 1999, Pens vs Devils. Jagr took a team half full of AHLer’s and beat the heavily favored New Jersey Devils literally all by himself. He scored the tie breaker with under two minutes left in regulation, then netted the game winner in overtime against the Hall of Famer goalie Martin Brodeur. Even bigger than the win itself was the team was on the verge of bankruptcy and NEEDED the extra playoff games to remain solvent.

Penguin fans love to state they’ve had the best players in the game for roughly thirty years. Well Jagr is the reason. He’s the bridge form Mario to Sid and Geno.

At what did Jagr do to piss you off so much. I know he played for the Flyers, but NOW he doesn’t. I hate the Flyers more than anybody but it’s no reason to hate Jagr forever for it. Mark Recchi, Keven Stevens, Paul Coffey, to name a few played for the Flyers and are beloved in Pittsburgh.

Jagr gets booed like he did something dastardly to the Penguins. He didn’t score a goal to crush a dynasty like Islander David Volek did. Jagr never cheapshotted  and injured a Penguin superstar like Adam Graves did to Mario or David Steckel did to Sid. Those guys, Volek, Graves, Steckel deserved to be booed mercilessly. Not Jagr.

Jagr was traded to Washington because the organization was broke. It’s not Jagr’s fault GM Craig Patrick didn’t get a bag of pucks back for him. So he didn’t stay in the 412 and become God like Mario or have a combination of skill, leadership and class like Ron Francis. Jagr scored tons of goals, many of them spectacular and has NEVER said a bad thing about Pittsburgh or the team. He was in fact extra classy when the Pens knocked his Rangers out of the playoffs in 2009.

The only thing Jagr did was spurn the Pens offer three years ago the go to Philly. That is what’s making Pens fans act like spurned lovers. Get over it. If you’re going to boo anyone it should be Benedict Arnold Max Talbot.  Jagr went from Pittsburgh to Washington , New York and Europe before went to Philly. Max Talbot didn’t finish his beer on the Southside before he was in orange and black. Talbot was also a legend because of his exploits against the Flyers. Boo Talbot, Shush (Talbot’s infamous gesture to Flyer fans)  the fans who boo Jagr.

Jagr is going in the Hall of Fame. He is going in as a Penguin. His number will and should be retired. The faster Pittsburgh accepts and embraces that fact the better for everyone. Jagr deserves your love and you should be proud he was a Penguin.

JOHN SCOTT, PHIL KESSEL and HOCKEY CODES

JOHN SCOTT, PHIL KESSEL and HOCKEY CODES

- Joe Bartnick 10/2/13

As another the preseason comes to an end this one will always be remembered for the melee in Toronto when the Maple Leafs and Buffalo Sabres line brawled. More specifically the night David Clarkson got suspended 10 games for coming off the bench to defend stick swinging Phil Kessel against the brain dead and talentless goon John Scott. The preseason is always a recipe for disaster. Veterans play not to get hurt and just want to get their timing down while young guys want to impress the bosses and make the team. The problem is the one way non skilled guys can make a make an impression on management is by gooning it up. A glaring example happened in 2008 when Tampa Bay knuckle dragger David Koci cheap shotted Penguins star defenseman Sergei Gonchar and knocked him out for the first quarter of the regular season.

The on ice war in Toronto started when Sabre Corey Tropp asked a much larger and tougher Jamie Devane to a fight, trying to make an impression on his coach. Problem was Tropp wrote a check his ass couldn’t cash. Now as one of the unwritten codes of hockey goes Devane , a big tough guy should not have fought Tropp but he did because of another hockey code, when you are asked to dance you can’t pretend like you don’t hear the music. They fought and Tropp got his ass kicked and fell back and hit his head. So Buffalo a team that always wants to prove how tough they are after being embarrassed two years ago and called soft sent out their tough guy John Scott on the ice. For the record John Scott is arguably the worst goon in hockey. He can’t play a lick and though being 6’8” 275 lbs he can’t even fight. He makes Francois Leroux (a very large, uncoordinated enforcer from the 90”s) look like Joe Louis. Anyone near Scott’s his size would kick his ass. The man can barely skate let alone punch. I would love to see Big Steve Macintyre knock him out of the league for good because what Scott did was utterly gutless and classless. He broke the most golden of all hockey codes, enforcers don’t fight stars let alone Lady Bings. Toronto head coach Randy Carlyle (not a shrinking violet by any means), was a nasty player and a coach who used Broad Street Bully tactics to win the Stanley Cup with the Anaheim Ducks purposely sent a scoring line out, including Phil Kessel to diffuse the situation because of the code that reads goons don’t attack scorers or stars. Scott broke code and attacked Kessel and the line brawl ensued.

Kessel then broke the code of all sports that use weapons (hockey and baseball) and swing his stick with two hands Paul Bunyun style at Scott. Well not the manliest option, he did go for his legs and not his head and avoided pulling a Juan Marichal. Marichal is infamous for attacking LA Dodger Johnny Roseboro with a bat to the head. While Scott was attacking Kessel Leafs new big time free agent, throwback power forward , former New Jersey Devil, David Clarkson jumped off the bench to protect Kessel and received a not worth it an automatic ten game suspension that may ruin Toronto’s season.

Some people are upset Kessel got a meaningless three preseason game suspension for swinging his stick. I’m upset Scott didn’t get a 30 game regular season suspension. I like fighting as much as anyone but this league needs to protect its stars. Goons and fights are a dime a dozen, stars are not. No one has ever paid a nickel or turned on a tv to see John Scott except his parents. Before you say I’m overreacting think about if Scott did hurt Kessel or next time he hurts Sid, Geno, Ovi ,Kane or Toews . I’m not saying get rid of fighting and fighters I’m saying PROTECT THE STARS because if he went after one of my teams stars I’d want everyone including the equipment manager come off the bench to attack him, suspensions be damned.

EASTERN CONFERENCE PRE SEASON POWER POLL

EASTERN CONFERENCE PRE SEASON POWER POLL

- Joe Bartnick 9/24/13

The East is wide open, unlike the West the East has three playoffs locks ( Boston, Pittsburgh, Detroit ) and after that mega parity and no team that is God awful. Making these predictions even more daunting is the fact two teams I like for the top eight the Rangers and the Maple Leafs are dealing with issues. The Ranger’s Derek Stepan’s is holding out and they begin the season with a 10 game road trip. The Maple Leafs will probably lose Phil Kessel and David Clarkson to large suspensions due to the brawl in Buffalo.
1. Boston – Best team in the East. Emphasis on team. No weakness.

2. Pittsburgh – Toughness will be a little question, goal tending a BIG question that will only be answered in playoffs.

3. Detroit – Eastern time zone will help preserve old vets and a full season will give young defensemen time to learn and gel.

4. NY- Rangers – Lots of talent but needs to overcome early season adversity and new Head coach Alain Vigneault needs to prove he can handle the Big Apple

5. Toronto – Must forget about last season’s playoff debacle and this season’s preseason debacle.

6. Philadephia –They will have plenty of offense but as always defense and goaltending will be problem and as ALWAYS the team will be mismanaged.

7. NY- Islanders- John Tavares will move from star to superstar. If goaltending holds up. Look out

8. Montreal – Canadiens addressed their size problem but will Michel Therrien’s grind wear them out over 82 games?

9. New Jersey – Lou Lamarillo’s teams always play better on ice than paper.

10. Washington –Ovi and company will no longer be feasting on the weak Southeast division.

11. Columbus – Blue Jackets are definitely on the way up, shame they moved to the East because they would be a playoff team out West.

12. Ottawa – Senators will miss Alfie and Gonchar’s leadership. Last year’s karma has worn off.

13. Tampa Bay –Will be fun to watch if you like 6-5 hockey games. Lots of offense but no defense and less goaltending.

14. Buffalo – Sabres have a Napoleon complex, little’s man’s disease. They worry too much about being a tough team and not a winning team.

15. Carolina – The Staals will get to spend a lot of time on the golf course together.

16. Florida – Last but not hopeless, Seattle will be happy with this team.

Pre Season Western Conference Power Poll

Pre Season Western Conference Power Poll

- Joe Bartnick 9/17/13

This week I give you my Pre Season Western Conference Power Poll.

The West has gotten weaker due to the defection of the Detroit Red Wings to the Eastern Conference. While it may hurt attendance in cities that loved seeing Detroit come to town several times a year (Nashville, Phoenix) it does open up a playoff spot that has been given to Detroit as a birthright for two generations.

1. Chicago – The Champs return all of their key players for a run at a repeat. A short season last year helps that cause, having so many players participating in the Olympics doesn’t

2. Los Angeles – Four solid lines and a scary, young talented defense will make up for loss of steady defenseman Rob Scuderi . Can Quick withstand extra workload after ace backup goaltender Bernier was moved to Toronto?

V3. ancouver – Too much talent to just fall off a cliff but Tortorella will give them a shove in the near future.

4. Anaheim- The big three ( Getzlaf, Perry, Ryan) becomes the dynamic duo (sans Ryan) and BBQ Bruce Boudreau racks up regular season points.

5. St Louis – Captain Kangaroo Ken Hitchcock’s team is big and bad but they never score enough when it counts.

6. San Jose – Aren’t they always right about here? Maybe stronger than usual playoff run will inspire more out of this bunch of underachievers.

7. Minnesota –Head Coach Mike Yeo is on the hot seat because the Wild have too big of a payroll not to go deep in the playoffs.

8. Dallas- Lindy Ruff will prove good coaching is worth 10 points and the Stars will return to the playoffs.

9. Edmonton- The young guns are a year older. A deadline move for veteran grit could put the Oilers in the playoffs.

10. Colorado- Head Coach Patrick Roy will have an immediate positive impact so will avoiding the injuries that decimated the team last year.

11. Winnipeg- Moving to the Western Conference with help them with jet lag but now none of their division rivals will be afraid of their wind chill factor.

12. Nashville- This franchise is becoming a sad country song about what might have been.

13. Calgary- No Iginla. No hope. If this team was in the South you would hear relocation rumors.

14. Phoenix – It’s always golf season in the Valley of the Sun.

Off Season Moves

Off Season Moves

- Joe Bartnick 9/10/13

If you spent your summer worrying about Lebron James, who the new Batman is, Syria or Hannah Montana jerking off on MTV you may have missed some off season NHL news. Here is some of what you missed.

The league changed the names of its divisions. The old Patrick is now the Metropolitan. You can figure out the rest.

And if you forgot there’s a new playoff format, it’s easier to make the playoffs in the west but they have a harder travel schedule, whah, whah , whah.

The defending Stanley Cup champs the Chicago Blackhawks did what they did after winning the Cup in 2010 they let go of non essential pieces to keep their solid championship core. Michael Frolik went to Winnipeg, sorry Michael and this summer’s Cup hero Dave Bolland was sent to Toronto to bring them some much needed good karma.

Probably the biggest player news is New Jersey forward Ilya Kovalchuk left tens of millions on the table and went back to Russia to enjoy tax free life of scary airplane rides. Don Cherry and men of his ilk will say that show’s how Russian players are never fully invested in the NHL while the Devils will miss his goals they must be thrilled to have his contract vanished and can now pay four guys that do care.

Among those who the Devils signed is Hall of Famer and Patrick Division whore Jaromir Jagr.

The Devils also got Cory Schneider out of Vancouver to become the great Martin Brodeur’s successor.
The Penguin’s Russian Evgeni Malkin isn’t going anywhere. He signed a huge contract to stay in Pittsburgh into the 2020’s with Sidney Crosby.

The Pens also resigned the league’s most exciting defensemen, because of his potent offense and his egregious turnovers, Kris Letang.

To play with Letang, the Pens brought back the defensive stalwart Rob Scuderi who they never replaced after winning the Cup with him. “The Piece” went out to LA and won a Cup there.

You may not believe it but the Penguins also brought back Head Coach Dan Blysma. Only thing crazier than him giving a new contract after multiple playoff disasters was he named Marc Andre Fleury his goaltender his starter after Tomas Vokoun saved his ass last season.

Super Duper Pascal Dupuis was also resigned by the Penguins, not only is he one of the best two way forwards in the league and Sid likes him.

Can’t mention Penguins without mentioning their blood rival the Philly Flyers. The Flyers Captain hurt his hand golfing and will miss the beginning of the season. Nothing says Broad Street Sissy like a golf injury. He was probably hitting from the ladies’ tees.

Philly signed former Lightening star Vincent LeCavalier, he will add even more fire to the Pens rivalry because Geno made a special point to crush him in Tampa every time they played.

The Flyers also tried to clear up their goalie mess by dumping the insane Ilya Bryzgalov for crazy Ray Emery. It’s like dumping Amanda Bynes for Lindsey Lohan.

Metropolitan division rival, yes it will take awhile to get used to the division names, New York Rangers did the best thing they could do, they fired Raging Bullshitter John Tortorella .

Booted former Vancouver coach Alain Vigneault takes over in the Big Apple. If he only helps Brad Richards, former Conn Smythe winner and current Tortorella whipping boy fourth liner returns to form and bring some offense to the Blue shirts King Henrik Lunquist will have another chance to disappear in the playoffs.

Torts turned around and became the Vancouver Canucks head coach, sending the Sedin sisters on the fast track to retirement and Roberto Loungo thought Cory Schneider gave him a headache.

The obvious winner in the off season game of coaches’ hot seat was the Dallas Stars who grabbed the underrated and classy Lindy Ruff .

Dallas also acquired young gun Tyler Seguin and steady Rich Peverly from Boston for Louis Erikkson. These additions will put the always a few points shy of the playoffs Dallas in a bottom playoff seed.

Not only did Boston dump Seguin and Peverly they also saw the Reverend Nathan Horton quit the NHL to go play in Columbus.

The Bs did finally get Jerome Iginla to join them, I hope he gets to play RW, his natural position.

The team Boston bounced in the playoffs last year Toronto gave rugged old school power forward David Clarkson a boatload of money to leave the swamps of Jersey.

Toronto also stole Kings ace backup goalie Jonathan Bernier to solidify their goal tending. The Leafs must be able to bounce back from one of the most ridiculous collapse in playoff history.

The Leafs neighbors to the north the Ottawa Senators lost their icon Daniel Alfredsson when he jumped at the chance to play on the Red Wings and have a legitimate shot at the Cup.

Underrated Steven Weiss left the retirement community known as the s Florida Panthers to join Alfie in the Motor City.

The Red Wings summer was so fruitful Detroit can forget they had to endure a week of Kid Rock concerts.

To replace their captain Ottawa got Bobby Ryan from the Ducks. Let’s see how this fifty goal scorer does without linemates Getslaf and Perry.

Patrick Roy has taken the reigns in Colorado, so at least their press conferences if not their games will be entertaining.

In terrible news for Seattle, Kansas City, Quebec City and Hamilton the Phoenix Coyotes are staying in the desert though it is great news for everyone who like to take a vacation and Stub Hub great seats to see their favorite team for six bucks.

And finally the NHL agreed to go to Soce for the 2014 Olympics. Penguins coach Dan Blysma will lead the Americans which is good for America and good for Sid’s head and Geno’s knees because you know Flyer coach Peter Laviolette would have targeted them.

Soce also means the Great Eight Alex Ovechkin will be the MVP of the first half of this season because he’ll be hung over for the second half of the season.