Off Season Moves

Off Season Moves

- Joe Bartnick 9/10/13

If you spent your summer worrying about Lebron James, who the new Batman is, Syria or Hannah Montana jerking off on MTV you may have missed some off season NHL news. Here is some of what you missed.

The league changed the names of its divisions. The old Patrick is now the Metropolitan. You can figure out the rest.

And if you forgot there’s a new playoff format, it’s easier to make the playoffs in the west but they have a harder travel schedule, whah, whah , whah.

The defending Stanley Cup champs the Chicago Blackhawks did what they did after winning the Cup in 2010 they let go of non essential pieces to keep their solid championship core. Michael Frolik went to Winnipeg, sorry Michael and this summer’s Cup hero Dave Bolland was sent to Toronto to bring them some much needed good karma.

Probably the biggest player news is New Jersey forward Ilya Kovalchuk left tens of millions on the table and went back to Russia to enjoy tax free life of scary airplane rides. Don Cherry and men of his ilk will say that show’s how Russian players are never fully invested in the NHL while the Devils will miss his goals they must be thrilled to have his contract vanished and can now pay four guys that do care.

Among those who the Devils signed is Hall of Famer and Patrick Division whore Jaromir Jagr.

The Devils also got Cory Schneider out of Vancouver to become the great Martin Brodeur’s successor.
The Penguin’s Russian Evgeni Malkin isn’t going anywhere. He signed a huge contract to stay in Pittsburgh into the 2020’s with Sidney Crosby.

The Pens also resigned the league’s most exciting defensemen, because of his potent offense and his egregious turnovers, Kris Letang.

To play with Letang, the Pens brought back the defensive stalwart Rob Scuderi who they never replaced after winning the Cup with him. “The Piece” went out to LA and won a Cup there.

You may not believe it but the Penguins also brought back Head Coach Dan Blysma. Only thing crazier than him giving a new contract after multiple playoff disasters was he named Marc Andre Fleury his goaltender his starter after Tomas Vokoun saved his ass last season.

Super Duper Pascal Dupuis was also resigned by the Penguins, not only is he one of the best two way forwards in the league and Sid likes him.

Can’t mention Penguins without mentioning their blood rival the Philly Flyers. The Flyers Captain hurt his hand golfing and will miss the beginning of the season. Nothing says Broad Street Sissy like a golf injury. He was probably hitting from the ladies’ tees.

Philly signed former Lightening star Vincent LeCavalier, he will add even more fire to the Pens rivalry because Geno made a special point to crush him in Tampa every time they played.

The Flyers also tried to clear up their goalie mess by dumping the insane Ilya Bryzgalov for crazy Ray Emery. It’s like dumping Amanda Bynes for Lindsey Lohan.

Metropolitan division rival, yes it will take awhile to get used to the division names, New York Rangers did the best thing they could do, they fired Raging Bullshitter John Tortorella .

Booted former Vancouver coach Alain Vigneault takes over in the Big Apple. If he only helps Brad Richards, former Conn Smythe winner and current Tortorella whipping boy fourth liner returns to form and bring some offense to the Blue shirts King Henrik Lunquist will have another chance to disappear in the playoffs.

Torts turned around and became the Vancouver Canucks head coach, sending the Sedin sisters on the fast track to retirement and Roberto Loungo thought Cory Schneider gave him a headache.

The obvious winner in the off season game of coaches’ hot seat was the Dallas Stars who grabbed the underrated and classy Lindy Ruff .

Dallas also acquired young gun Tyler Seguin and steady Rich Peverly from Boston for Louis Erikkson. These additions will put the always a few points shy of the playoffs Dallas in a bottom playoff seed.

Not only did Boston dump Seguin and Peverly they also saw the Reverend Nathan Horton quit the NHL to go play in Columbus.

The Bs did finally get Jerome Iginla to join them, I hope he gets to play RW, his natural position.

The team Boston bounced in the playoffs last year Toronto gave rugged old school power forward David Clarkson a boatload of money to leave the swamps of Jersey.

Toronto also stole Kings ace backup goalie Jonathan Bernier to solidify their goal tending. The Leafs must be able to bounce back from one of the most ridiculous collapse in playoff history.

The Leafs neighbors to the north the Ottawa Senators lost their icon Daniel Alfredsson when he jumped at the chance to play on the Red Wings and have a legitimate shot at the Cup.

Underrated Steven Weiss left the retirement community known as the s Florida Panthers to join Alfie in the Motor City.

The Red Wings summer was so fruitful Detroit can forget they had to endure a week of Kid Rock concerts.

To replace their captain Ottawa got Bobby Ryan from the Ducks. Let’s see how this fifty goal scorer does without linemates Getslaf and Perry.

Patrick Roy has taken the reigns in Colorado, so at least their press conferences if not their games will be entertaining.

In terrible news for Seattle, Kansas City, Quebec City and Hamilton the Phoenix Coyotes are staying in the desert though it is great news for everyone who like to take a vacation and Stub Hub great seats to see their favorite team for six bucks.

And finally the NHL agreed to go to Soce for the 2014 Olympics. Penguins coach Dan Blysma will lead the Americans which is good for America and good for Sid’s head and Geno’s knees because you know Flyer coach Peter Laviolette would have targeted them.

Soce also means the Great Eight Alex Ovechkin will be the MVP of the first half of this season because he’ll be hung over for the second half of the season.